Thanks to my friend Tom for this one.

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Stevie Wonder is doing a tour of Japan.  During his concert he tells the crowd, "You have been so supportive of me during my whole career, and I'm afraid I haven't traveled enough to Japan to play for you and thank you for your support.  Tonight, as a special thanks, I would like to play your requests...go ahead...request anything and I'll try to play it!"

A fan in the front row jumps up and says "Play A Jazz Chord!!!"

Wonder says "What?.. um...  okay..."

Wonder plunks out a B flat minor diminished on his keyboard, starts playing around with it, the band joins in, they jam for awhile.

When they're done the same guy jumps up and says "Play A jazz Chord!!!!!'

Wonder says.. "Uh... okay.. how's this?"   This time he's in E with a couple of augments, he plays around, the band joins in.  The fan in the front row jumps up again and says.. "No No No,   you know.... and the Japanese man starts to sing.... "Ah Jazz Chord, To Say, I Rove You!!!"

Or, what about the mathematicians...

From Rita

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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.  He came across two men:  One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.  The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.  Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Thanks to Rita for this one.  I had a similar experience as a parent, so, yes, it could have happened that way!

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Why Parents Drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.  Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?"  He asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," Whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," Whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," Came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," Answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "ME."

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.  He asked, "Give it to me straight.  How long have I got?"  The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.  The man said, "Call for my lawyer."  When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.  The man then laid back and closed his eyes.  When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.  The man replied, "Jesus died with a thief on either side, I just thought I'd check out the same way."

Thanks to Carter

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A very self-important college freshman, attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"  The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.  "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...,"  He paused to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son.  We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding...

Thanks to Tron

What do you do if you see a space man?

You park man.

Thanks to Randy for this one.

 

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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me," said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.  Along came another boy, riding down the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

 

He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid!  Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"  When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.  Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord."

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.  The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.  At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.  That's all.  Now let's go and get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

This year I promise not to tell a corny joke!

What's that?  The church burned down?  Holy smoke!

- Doodles Weaver

Thanks to Rita for this one.

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"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor, Carter...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!  Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Carter's house.  They search the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Carter and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Carter's house.
"Hey Carter,  This here's Herb...did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" 
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"