A Montana Cowboy

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.  The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.  The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.  He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.  Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right.  Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.  Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Democratic Congressman for the U. S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct!" says the yuppie, "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows.  This is a flock of sheep.  Now give me back my dog."

This is what you call an oldie but a goodie, followed by the 2007 mindset list from Beloit College which is always interesting to me.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

THE BELOIT COLLEGE MINDSET LIST FOR THE CLASS OF 2007®

Most students entering college this fall were born in 1985:

1. Ricky Nelson, Richard Burton, Samantha Smith, Laura Ashley, Orson Welles, Karen Ann Quinlin, Benigno Aquino, and the U.S. Football League have always been dead.

2. They are not familiar with the source of that "Giant Sucking Sound."

3. Iraq has always been a problem.

4. "Ctrl + Alt + Del" is as basic as "ABC."

5. Paul Newman has always made salad dressing.

6. Pete Rose has always been a gambler.

7. Bert and Ernie are old enough to be their parents.

8. An automatic is a weapon, not a transmission.

9. Russian leaders have always looked like leaders everyplace else.

10. The snail darter has never been endangered.

11. There has always been a screening test for AIDS.

12. Gas has always been unleaded.

13. They never heard Howard Cosell call a game on ABC.

14. The United States has always had a Poet Laureate.

15. Garrison Keillor has always been live on public radio and Lawrence Welk has

always been dead on public television.

16. Their families drove SUVs without "being fuelish."

17. There has always been some association between fried eggs and your brain.

18. They would never leave their calling card on someone’s desk.

19. They have never been able to find the "return" key.

20. Computers have always fit in their backpacks.

21. Datsuns have never been made.

22. They have never gotten excited over a telegram, a long distance call, or a fax.

23. The Osmonds are just talk show hosts.

24. Undergraduate college athletes have always been a part of the NBA and NFL draft.

25. They have always "grazed" for food.

26. Three-point shots from "downtown" have always been a part of basketball.

27. Test tube babies are now having their own babies.

28. Stores have always had scanners at the checkout.

29. The Army has always driven Humvees.

30. Adam and PC Junior computers had vanished from the market before this generation went online.

31. The Statue of Liberty has always had a gleaming torch.

32. They have always had a PIN number.

33. Banana Republic has always been a store, not a puppet government in Latin America.

34. Car detailing has always been available.

35. Directory assistance has never been free.

36. The Jaycees have always welcomed women as members.

37. There has always been Lean Cuisine.

38. They have always been able to fly Virgin Atlantic.

39. There have never been dress codes in restaurants.

40. Doctors have always had to deal with "reasonable and customary fees" and patients have always had controls placed on the number of days they could stay in a hospital.

41. They have always been able to make photocopies at home.

42. Michael Eisner has always been in charge of Disney.

43. They have always been able to make phone calls from planes.

44. Yuppies are almost as old as hippies.

45. Rupert Murdoch has always been an American citizen.

46. Strawberry Fields has always been in New York.

47. Rock and Roll has always been a force for social good.

48. Killer bees have always been swarming in the U.S.

49. They have never seen a First Lady in a fur coat.

50. Don Imus has always been offending someone in his national audience.

In all fairness it should be understood that students entering college this fall do have a few items on their own lists that will separate them from many of their mentors:

1. For many of them today, it’s all about the "bling, bling."

2. They know who the "Heroes in a half shell" are.

3. Peeps are not a candy, they are your friends.

4. They have been "dissing" and "burning" things all their lives.

5. They can expect to get a ticket for "ricing out their wheels."

6. They knew how to pop a Popple and trade a Pog.

7. They can still sing the rap chorus to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and the theme

song from Duck Tales.

Aliens are coming to abduct all the intelligent, good looking and sexy people.  You will be safe.

I'm just saying goodbye.

Since I have so many friends that are dieting and Pen of Rob - n - Pen started a diet blog I thought I would share these steps to help you keep track of calories.  (Especially number 10)

Calories that Don't Count
   

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Edit/Add:

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.  His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.  "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.  We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.  What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.  Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need!  I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down.  When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course.  In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in formal dress.  They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.  They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go.  Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.  The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven.  Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell.  Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.  And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.

Sweltering hot.  Hot and miserable.  The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator.  "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time.  Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted for us."

The Ant and the Grasshopper

 

OLD VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.  Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.  The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

 

Be responsible

 

 

MODERN VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.  Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

 

CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.  America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

 

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

 

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."  Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

 

Ted Kennedy & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Dan Rather that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share.”

 

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer.  The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

 

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

 

The ant loses the case.

 

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.  The ant has disappeared in the snow.  The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

 

Vote

Okay, so Gmail uses Google Word Ad technology to support itself.  This is cool, but sometimes I think it could be tweaked.  I was checking my e-mail and went to the spam folder and the ad on top was for Spam Primavera http://www.recipesource.com/main-dishes/meat/pork/spam/00/rec0019.html

Murphy’s lesser known laws

1.   Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2.   He who laughs last thinks slowest.

3.   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4.   Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

5.   Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6.   The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

7.   If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8.   If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9.   The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

12. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A. A. A. D. D. – Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.-Age Activiated Attention Deficit Disorder.

 

This is how it manifests:

 

I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decided my car needs washing.

 

As I head toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier so I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 

There’s plenty of junk mail and I lay my car keys down on the table to take out the garbage first.  But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my checkbook off the table and I see that there is only one check left.  My extra checks are in my desk in the study so then I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

 

I'm going to look for my checks but first I better push that Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.  I find that the can of Coke is getting warm and decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.  They need to be watered.

 

I set the Coke down on the counter and discover the reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.  I better put them back on my desk but first I'm going to water the flowers.

 

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.  Someone left it on the kitchen table.  Realizing that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote and I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.

 

But first I'll water the flowers.  I pour some water in the flowers but quite a bit spills on the floor so I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:

 

The car isn't washed

The bills arent paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers dont have enough water

There is still only one check in my check book

I can’t find the remote

I can’t find my glasses

And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

 

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

 

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

 

Do me a favor will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

 

Don’t laugh-if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

 

Growing Older Is Mandatory but Growing Up is Optional.

 

Laughing at yourself is therapeutic.

 

P.S.

 

I just remembered I left the water running in the driveway!

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.